Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So here I am, sexting at work.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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