i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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