I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
