Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Randomize
