I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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