so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
