Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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