I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
