I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize