Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize