How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
