i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
