I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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