I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
