five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I party with great urgency now.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
