"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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