Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
