I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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