Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
