Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
