Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize