if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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