This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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