please come you make the beer taste better
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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