i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
