Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
