The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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