In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it glows. i had to have it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
