i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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