Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
