I murdered the dance floor call the cops
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize