I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
