Apparently you make a good broom.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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