I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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