plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
