I'm going to jail i love you
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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