The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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