my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
