Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
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