We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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