either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
