Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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