Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
