so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
