We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
