Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
