Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
