Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
now i know why i became what i already was.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
