4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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