thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
