it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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