he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize