she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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