So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
