Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
