what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
