He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
